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This is my place to figure things out. It's that simple.

Location: United States

I'm 25 year old Wisconsin girl living in the city of neon and chrome who's slowly gaining her identity while losing all sense of reality.

13 March 2010

The spirit is willing but the flesh doesn't know what it's doing.

I am weary. I don't mean physically, although it was a long sleep deprived week. What I mean is at the moment I feel utterly exhausted with my life. It's not really to do with the city, because this is something I've struggled with for far longer than I've lived here. I feel like I'm missing out on what I'm supposed to be doing. I need adventure, but I need to truly DO something. I want to do something that matters, something worth writing a book about. I often wonder if other people feel this way.

It's getting to the point in my life where most of the people I went to high school with are getting to be married with kids. I have more than one friend who has at least 3 children already. I can't fathom that for myself. I'm so far from that personally that I was in shock when someone on the subway who was trying to sell me cupcakes told me I could give some to my husband and kids... that's kids plural. I don't think there's anything wrong with my friends who are married with kids, in fact I think it's exciting that they're at that point in their lives, but the idea of me personally settling down at the age I feel when I haven't DONE anything seems ludicrous.

I just have this constant feeling that there's something I'm not doing, and I wrack my brains for an "aha!" moment when I'll realize where all the signs are pointing to. I had a brief one of these a few months ago late at night that, at the time, seemed so strong I started crying. I was supposed to be a writer! Okay, great. Cut to present day, I would love to write, and I'm trying to write more, but I don't know what I'm supposed to write about. I can't find a topic that holds my attention for more than a few hours. I try to pray about what I'm meant to do. I used to want to go into the Peace Corps, but I ended up with a cat and she has already been abandoned once and I refuse to do it again. Which does tend to put a cramp into any plans for major travel. Also I am broke. When I say broke, I mean even though it was about 42 degrees out, I walked 40 minutes in rain from the bank (where I had to pick up checks to pay rent with) because I can't afford the $2.50 cost of the subway ride. As it is, I may have to walk home from work a few times this coming week. That's a two hour walk by the way. But it's okay. I may actually enjoy it. I'm not usually quite this broke, and I worked all last week, so it'll work out. It's just limiting.

What I want to do is make enough money through some kind of cash cow that I can use it to do some good. Problem is making that money. I have a few business ideas, but no way to get start up capital. I also have a deeply intrenched feeling that I can't finish anything without someone's help. I know this isn't  true, but it does hold me back at times.

The thing is, a few months ago I had reached a point where I was really happy with the way things were. I had excepted the fact that I didn't know what I wanted to do and I would enjoy myself and it would all figure its self out eventually. Then that feeling was blindsided by the death of a friend I've known since second or third grade who was killed in the earth quake in Haiti. He was there with his wife and cousin helping out at a boys home (his wife and cousin got out alright, thankfully). The whole thing was (and still is) so surreal. I've known people who've died before, even ones who've died just as young, but there was something about this that just felt evil. He was so vibrant and full of life and compassion for everyone that I feel guilty that he died while making an effort to help people while I'm just fine even though I'm not doing anything that makes a difference. About the same time as well I started taking a women in religions course which has caused me to think more deeply about God than I had been doing recently.

A few nights ago I had a dream where I was practicing my guitar and Ben (the friend who died) came in with his guitar along with a bunch of friends all carrying guitars or musical instruments (music was very important to Ben). I commented to him "of course you guys would show up on the one day I have to practice" meaning I was a little frustrated that I wouldn't be able to practice since they were all there, to which he said something along the lines of "Maybe you should stop practicing and just really play". I woke up just after that and remember feeling a bit odd. At the time I thought he had meant I should play my guitar more but I now think it meant something more broad. Later that day I realized it was two months to the day since he passed.

I'm just worried I don't know how to "just really play".

For now I'm going to try to be less complacent and more pro-active, but that in itself seems daunting. Tonight though, I'm going to enjoy the veggie egg drop soup I made myself, hang out with my cat, and focus on trusting that God will take me where I need to go.


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