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This is my place to figure things out. It's that simple.

Location: United States

I'm 25 year old Wisconsin girl living in the city of neon and chrome who's slowly gaining her identity while losing all sense of reality.

22 March 2010

Don't Panic!

Alright this should be interesting.

The only reason I am writing this entry is because I am in the middle of a full blown anxiety attack and I'm trying to stay focused until it goes away.

For those of you who don't know how an anxiety attack feels, let me describe mine:

In general, anxiety attacks are supposed to happen at random, but with me they usually happen when I'm a bit stressed to begin with and then it's as if something small triggers it and then it snowballs into irrational and uncontrollable anxiety.

Physically, my arms and feet are tingly and hot, I feel a bit light headed and I can't see straight, my chest feels tight and it seems as if my heart is beating erratically, however when I actually take my pulse it is fairly steady, albeit a bit on the fast side.

Usually, I can control my anxiety attacks so that people don't know I'm having them. I've only ever had really bad ones when I've been alone. Even so, I hate being around other people when they happen. For instance, just a little bit ago two guys came into the office I'm working in to get an ID badge. While I'm sure they didn't notice anything was wrong, when the one guy was speaking to the other in his loud baritone voice, I could feel my anxiety worsen. I wasn't afraid of the guy and there wasn't anything physically intimidating about him, but the sound of his voice made me want to shrink in my chair.

When this happens I usually have the urge to start hyperventilating, as well, so that's fun.

I'm quite stressed today because I need to figure out how to do my taxes for the first time (prior to this year I've only had to file taxes once or twice and my father insisted on doing them for me, even though I wanted to try doing them on my own) and I also need to buy my books for an English class I am taking and apply to graduate at the end of the semester. My Internet is down at home, so I couldn't do anything all yesterday, and no one at the university is answering my e-mails. I also need to find another way to make money, since I have to save up to go home for two months this summer, but with this English class, I don't know how I would have time to get another job. I am super broke and if I end up having to overnight my books I probably won't have any food money for this week. Also, we recently discovered our newly adopted kitten is pregnant and I desperately need to do laundry. Add to that all my personal issues about not doing anything I want to do, and not being able to do any theatre or film at the moment, and it makes sense that something little could snap me into anxiety attack.

Alright. My head/vision is still a bit wonky, but my chest doesn't feel so tight so I think this has mostly passed.

Note to self: My next blog should be about something positive so that I don't end up ranting and complaining all the time. 'Cause that would be no good... literally.

On the plus side, I thoroughly cleaned my room last night, so my anxiety riddled self has a nice, clutter-free room to go home to in about an hour and a half.

Just keep breathing, self. Everything's going to be fine.



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